Original Faculty List and Faculty Rules

Article 9819 of talk.origins:
From: seanna@bnr.ca (Seanna Watson)
Subject: University of Ediacara (was Credentials)
Organization: Bell-Northern Research, Ottawa, Canada
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1993 02:17:58 GMT
Message-ID:
Lines: 184

Last week, someone commented that Chrisses on t.o were as common as
Australian philosophers named Bruce. We counted, and found no fewer
than 6 *real* Chrisses (and countless wannabees). We were inspired
(or was it too much turkey and pumpkin pie from the Canadian Thanks-
giving celebration this past weekend?) to produce the following:

University of Ediacara
======================
Faculty Listing
===============

Name/Title Current Research Area & Publications
========== ====================================

Chris Colby, Dean Genetic drift of _saccharomyces_ sp.
Professor of Evolutionary Biology in starch-rich cultures.

Chris Stassen,
Professor of Geology

Chris Nedin, Professor of Very Old
Formerly Soft & Squidgy Things

Chris Heiny
Professor of Bizarre Theories

Chris Malcolm
Professor of Bicycling

Chris Ho-Stuart
Not Professor of Marine Biology

Chris Acker Laminar flood theory
Professor of Oceanography

Warren Kris vonRoeschlaub Analysis of Ice Cores from Ste
Professor of Mathematical Theology Jovite, Canada.

Chris Isaak
Professor of Computational Entomology

Chris Huston Exhaustive concordance for the
Professor of Primatology complete works of S.J.(Chris) Gould

Chris Derrick
Professor of Taoism and TAEism

Bruce Lippard Name disambiguation among homogeneous
Professor of Philosophy groups in academe

Chris Harter, Professor of Formulation of systems of logic which
Atheistic Creationism initially make perfect sense, but turn
out to be complete nonsense

Chris Lecointe, Professor of
Obfuscatory Analysis

Chris Schaffner "Something Rotten in the State of
Professor of Quantum Literature Denmark: Shakespearean Quantum
Mechanics vs the Copenhagen
Interpretation"

Chris Seimon, Erudite Professor of
Evolutionary Hermeneutics

Chris Matheson
Professor of Forrest-ry

Chris Keck
(not a Professor, but plays
one on t.o)

Chris Johnson
Professor of Creation Legalism

Chris Meritt, Professor Emerrritttus of } Investigation into maximum length
Invective and Sarcasm } of posting capable of being handled
} by the UseNet.
Chris Bales, Professor of } (joint project)
Alternative Natural History }

Chris B. Dehner, Professor of
Uniformitarian Astrophysics

Chris Holden, Adjunct Professor of "Catastrophism in software engineering:
Velikovskian Astrophysics a critique of the ADA language"

Chris T(i)un, Disjunct Professor of
Non-Sequiturs & Anachronisms

Chris Bishop
Professor of Equine Evolution

Chris Salem, Professor of EE
(Engineering Evolution)

Chris Hamilton
Professor of Vehicular Evolution

Chris Dudey
Professor of the Golden Parentheses

Dr Chris Pepper
Professor of Persistent Questions Searching for the Theory of Creationism

Chris DeadDog, Professor of
Floor Sweeping

S. Chris Watson, Professor of }
Object-Oriented Evolution } Selective breeding to produce
} a smaller, noisier type of
S. Chris Watson, Professor of } of Homo Sapiens.
Very Large Scale Evolution } (joint project)

The Rules
=========

RULE #1: NO CREATIONISTS!
RULE #2: I don't want to catch anybody NOT posting during working hours!
RULE #3: NO CREATIONISTS!
RULE #4: No abusing the newbies (at least while anyone is watching).
RULE #5: NO CREATIONISTS!
RULE #6 (Theory of Creation): There is no Theory of Creation!
RULE #7: NO CREATIONISTS!
RULE #8: All S.J. (Chris) Gould quotes must be cleared through Prof. Huston
RULE #9: NO CREATIONISTS!

(Note: In contravention of the Rules, the University was forced to hire
Profs. Bales, Lecointe, Harter (!?) and T(i)un under the "Equal Time in
Education" provisions of local Affirmative Action statutes.)

The University does, of course, grant degrees up to the doctoral level,
by mail-order. If you send $100 to the Registrar (email only; no cash,
cheques or credit cards accepted), you will receive a handsome diploma
suitable for framing and hanging on the wall (perhaps in the smallest
room of your house), just as soon as we can figure out what colour(s)
it should be.

The Song
========

We are evilutionists;
Our emblem is the fossil.
We like to get in arguments,
And rant as much as possible.
Punk! Eek! Punk! Eek! Punk! Eek!
Amen.

Associate Professors
--------------------
Chris Kettenring
Chris Friesen
Chriswell Ashlock
Chris Vickers
Chris Scharle
Chris J. Bradley
Chris Rice
Chris Henling
L. Chris Davis
Chris Ikeda
Chris Sand
Chris Solovay
Chris Elsberry
Chris Livesey
Chris Shafto
Chris Knapp
Chris Z. Lerner
Chris "Justified And Ancient" Cochran
Chris Trott
Kris Kluge
Chris Hunt

[If anyone feels slighted at being left out, denied a full professorship,
or having their research project overlooked, enlighten us by email--we
also give tenure by mail-order (no $100 fee required; no saleshuman will
call).]

--
Steve Watson a.k.a. watson@sce.carleton.ca === Carleton University, Ontario
this->opinion = My.opinion; assert (this->opinion != CarletonU.opinion);
--
Seanna Watson Bell-Northern Research, | My opinions only.
(seanna@bnr.ca) Ottawa, Ontario, Canada | I knew I'd left them somewhere.